The editorial team at XUNICEF News & Views has been closely following the UN80 proposals and the latest wave of reforms sweeping through the UN system—staff cuts, shrinking budgets, agency mergers, and relocation of personnel out of New York and Geneva.
In response, the editorial board convened an emergency video meeting.
“Sorry, team,” said the Chief Editor. “There’s no way around it. In solidarity with our UN colleagues, we must implement budget cuts, salary reductions, frozen promotions—and possibly even staff relocations.”
After a short but passionate discussion, the team voted unanimously to reduce the News & Views operating budget by 20%, bringing it from zero… to well below zero. The treasurer, dialing in from her kitchen, confirmed the new figure with all due gravity.
“I’ve done the math,” she said. “Zero minus 20% of zero is... carry the nothing... still zero.”
Concerns were quickly raised about salaries—already pegged at highly competitive levels of zero. “A 20% cut in zero is tough,” said one veteran editor. “But do we really have to freeze promotions? I was hoping to make ASE—Deputy Executive Editor—this year.”
“Unfortunately,” replied the Chief, “we’re eliminating all D1, D2, and ASE posts. Also, effective immediately, we are suspending all international travel.”
“Oh well,” said another editor, “nobody invited us anywhere anyway.”
“No problem,” said another editor. “Nobody’s invited us anywhere in years.”
"So what does relocation mean for us?", asked one editor. “Does this mean I can move my laptop from the bedroom to the kitchen? There's a better wifi signal there.”
“You'll need to check with your spouse first,” said the Chief, but why not—you'll be closer to the coffee.”
Trying to lift the mood, one editor offered a strategic vision: “With agency consolidation, our organization might soon evolve into XUNICEFUNDPWHOUNFPAUNAIDSHABITAT, or maybe just… XUN."
"Consider too that with so many job cuts and consolidation the number of our subscribers of staff of this former this agency and that former agency will grow. With our subscription hefty fees of zero, we may soon make up for the cuts in our zero budgets. In no time at all we will be back to zero.”
“Well then,” concluded the Chief, “thanks everyone for your inputs. Let’s reaffirm our commitment to producing News & Views with 20% fewer resources, 20% lower salaries, fully frozen promotions, and zero travel—but with at least 20% more good humor.”
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